LAINEY’S GOSSIP 02/26
Eggs in Public: at an Oscar party on Sunday night, he's been drinking, she's been nagging. Turns into a huge, embarrassingly loud argument about the most personal of matters: she wants babies, he doesn't, and they proceed to yell at each other about it in front of a large audience. Harrison Ford/Calista Flockhart (verified by Lainey) 98%

TED CASABLANCA 02/28
One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice: What did we say last week, that H-town’s full of nervous Nellies too ‘fraid to come outta the closet? Yep, that’s what we declared. And now, darlings, we’ve got Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled to prove it. Poor thing, he just doesn’t have any idea whatsoever he’s helping us with our little goss class project. Too bad. Now, Chumpy’s not predictably handsome, but he is—we assure you—wholly doable in the sack (not that many folks would know, really). Terribly shy and certainly not out, this lad is. Kinda dorky, too. But like, girlfriends, when you nuzzle that boy’s neck and work the tasty dough down below just right, this baby’s slightly pudgy cookies are yours for the taking, trust! Case in point: A terribly untrustworthy journalist, who shall remain nameless in this already anon tally of salaciousness, befriended CSI at a fairly small but awfully popular Hell-Ay gym. Chump-babe and the journo—let’s call him Schlong Wad, just for good measure—befriended each other in—get this—the showers. How romantic, eh? Let’s leave the dropped-soap analogies (they’re unnecessary, just read on) and mosey on over to the most fascinating fact. It’s that Chumpy, known for his lovable character work on the boob-tube, had never before had sex with a dude, though he’d always been curious. Oh, who the hell isn’t? (Shut up right now, B. Pitt, we so know you are.) Next thing ya know, Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s many talents, which are, to be true, average. What a fabulous actor! How handsome! Such a gorgeous smile! All this poopy-cock that you chicks have been seein’ through for centuries, but Chump nevertheless totally bit, pickup line and sinker. Right into S.W.’s Hollywood Hills digs and onto Mr. Wad’s mattress, which is precisely where Chumpy found out what it’s like to be the pea in Wad’s pod. Ouch! But Yum-O, declared Chumpy, like some sort of Rachael Ray orgasmic new naughty discovery. Such the shame that Wad, prick he be, is busy telling everybody he can. AND IT AIN’T: David Schwimmer; Kevin Connolly; Jimmy Kimmel. William Peterson 77%

OH NO THEY DIDN’T BLOG 02/27
Which reputably sweet actress and award nominee is a full-blown, carpet munching bulldyke? She was seen with her current flame at an awards show last weekend, and it looks like her dream of being viewed as ~alternative~ may finally be coming true -- in a way she never expected. Ellen Page 89%