Saturday, March 1, 2008

Which TV vixen, based in L.A., spent a lot of the writers' strike downtime in New York City? Word is that she was cheating on her boyfriend with her girlfriend.

#1 Sometimes a bad habit is a tough thing to shake. Sometimes an old relationship can be too. This television actress/model who has a very well known face, but is probably just a C+ when it comes to her spot on the list had one of the oddest relationships on record with a B list television actor. Over that she moved on and found something normal and stable with a movie industry professional. Despite her apparent happiness and public loathing of her ex, she was spotted not too long ago leaving the house of her ex at about 5am. Now, I guess she could have been there to just drop him off some breakfast, but that is a big long shot. Heather Locklear 51%

#2 This one is good and really bizarre, but you will need to put your thinking cap on for this one. We have a foreign born C+ film actress who once was B+. I say once, but she is not that old. In fact she is fairly young, but has already had a long career. Only one television appearance that I know of. All the rest is film. Oh, did I mention gorgeous? OK, she is the instigator for a live in 3some for a recent film she did. When I say live in, I mean these 3 all shared one place during filming including one bed. There was one other actress who was almost twice as old as our foreign born actress. The aging actress was never A list, but has always been right on the edge for her entire career. Known to be a little crazy, but always sexy, and 95% of the time in film roles. The third member of our 3some is a B+ list film actor who is good looking and talented enough to be A list, but because of personal problems, just never has quite got to A list. He generally plays the lead in smaller films, and is always the 2nd billed male in bigger films. Since filming ended, our actor tried to hookup with our foreign born actress but she told him she only dates people she works with. At least she is honest about it.

One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice: What did we say last week, that H-town’s full of nervous Nellies too ‘fraid to come outta the closet? Yep, that’s what we declared. And now, darlings, we’ve got Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled to prove it. Poor thing, he just doesn’t have any idea whatsoever he’s helping us with our little goss class project. Too bad. Now, Chumpy’s not predictably handsome, but he is—we assure you—wholly doable in the sack (not that many folks would know, really). Terribly shy and certainly not out, this lad is. Kinda dorky, too. But like, girlfriends, when you nuzzle that boy’s neck and work the tasty dough down below just right, this baby’s slightly pudgy cookies are yours for the taking, trust! Case in point: A terribly untrustworthy journalist, who shall remain nameless in this already anon tally of salaciousness, befriended CSI at a fairly small but awfully popular Hell-Ay gym. Chump-babe and the journo—let’s call him Schlong Wad, just for good measure—befriended each other in—get this—the showers. How romantic, eh? Let’s leave the dropped-soap analogies (they’re unnecessary, just read on) and mosey on over to the most fascinating fact. It’s that Chumpy, known for his lovable character work on the boob-tube, had never before had sex with a dude, though he’d always been curious. Oh, who the hell isn’t? (Shut up right now, B. Pitt, we so know you are.) Next thing ya know, Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s many talents, which are, to be true, average. What a fabulous actor! How handsome! Such a gorgeous smile! All this poopy-cock that you chicks have been seein’ through for centuries, but Chump nevertheless totally bit, pickup line and sinker. Right into S.W.’s Hollywood Hills digs and onto Mr. Wad’s mattress, which is precisely where Chumpy found out what it’s like to be the pea in Wad’s pod. Ouch! But Yum-O, declared Chumpy, like some sort of Rachael Ray orgasmic new naughty discovery. Such the shame that Wad, prick he be, is busy telling everybody he can. AND IT AIN’T: David Schwimmer; Kevin Connolly; Jimmy Kimmel. William Peterson 63%

She made a lot of money early on. She celebrated by buying a relative an expensive car. She was taken aback when the relative told her, she would have preferred money, instead. Too much too soon could apply to this woman. She spent recklessly and hooked up with the man of her dreams, or so she thought. The beatings started right after the honeymoon. One evening, she was scheduled to attend a function, a car service picked her and hubby up. They got into an argument and he started punching her in the face, the driver had to pull the car to the side of the rode and rescue her from a fury of punches. Interestingly, the husband didn't stand up to the driver. She was famous before she hooked up with him but for some reason, he credited himself with her fame and often threw it in her face which baffled her. Over time, he became very resentful of her success and set out to control every part of her life. The violence escalated and got so out of control that she took advantage of hubby's new found drug habit. To avoid nightly beatings, she would shoot him up with heroin. He would nod off and she would have a nice and peaceful sleep until he awoke in the morning and the cycle would repeat itself. Once, he dragged her to the closet, forcibly put her foot in the doorway and slammed the closet door on it, breaking it. He was also known to lock in her the closet. This once pretty woman was stripped of her self esteem and couldn't even make eye contact with people and her husband took over her career and her finances. Despite being famous and respected in her field, hubby was calling smut magazines behind her back, trying to arrange nude layouts. She suffered horrific beatings at the hands of this madman. Her family eventually rescued her, hubby didn't pursue her because the money had ran out and he referred to her as "damaged goods." She's never been the same and her career has never recovered. Hint: She's not a singer.

#1 So there is this sports bar at Times Square and it is Super Bowl Sunday. At this bar you had to buy tables in order to get in (for the game), but this regular person talked herself in anyway and hung out at the bar. There ended up being an empty table, so she approached the guy who "owned" it. (B- list film and television actor who used to be A list back in the late 70's early 1980's) She said from out of town and it's my birthday and I was wondering if I could buy the table from you if you're not using it. The guy looks over and says no problem, I don't need it but you'll have to arrange it at the bar. The woman says thank you so much, you're so great etc - can I tell the waitress your name? Guy stops and says You don't know who I am? She says no. He says just for that you can't have it, Fuck off...turns his back and that was that. No table. She ended up getting drunk at the bar and calling him an asshole every time he walked by to get to the bathroom. James Franco 49%

#2 When the wives are out of town, things happen. So what happens when a married socialite who everyone knows gets drunk with a married B list film actress and model. Well turns out that they both liked the same guy they found at the bar in the hotel where they were getting drunk. Instead of fighting over him, they decided to share him for the entire night. And when I mean share, I mean share as in everyone gets naked and shares, not sharing like holding hands sharing.

#3 This foreign born A list actress in her own country and probably C list here in the US. English is not her first language and her only chance at an American film came as a result of her first language. The film was a blockbuster. She wanted to go to LA as she got lots of offers after that first film, but her boyfriend wouldn't let her. He has become so controlling and so jealous of her career that she is not allowed to own a cell phone, and he goes with her everywhere. No one understands why she stays with him, but she doesn't allow anyone to speak bad about him. Of course he has alienated most of her friends anyway. Paz Vega 43%

#4 This new mom who happens to be a B+ film actress shouldn't be counting on the father for the support. He is already choosing from a group of actresses and models and deciding who will get to be with him next. Lets just hope they don't get pregnant also. Salma Hayek 67%

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